{of loss. and trust. and a God we call, “Abba!”}

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it’s been almost two months now.
a little life we didn’t even know was there
until we were already saying goodbye.
and then the complications. the questions. the tests.
the final doctor’s appointment last week.
and though we already knew..
to hear the official word felt tender.
knocking a deeper ache i didn’t even recognize was there.

this would be our 4th miscarriage now through the years.
and though familiar, the pain isn’t lessened.
it still catches me.
perhaps in different ways now.
we would have loved another. have prayed for one since reese.
but yet, at this stage of life my heart also feels content – to a degree.
i find myself thinking maybe more than i thought i would about what an addition would look like for us.
and where to go from here? and when is time to stop “trying?”
another baby would be a game changer.
and yet.. there still seems that small empty spot inside that another would fill.

and i find myself in territory i know far too well.
of learning {once again} that all i need, God already is!

i feel it settling more within me.
the hurts and doubts and dark places of these past weeks.
but it’s been a process.
and there so much more to the story {there is always more to someone’s story}.
and though not at liberty to share those details-
i will say, it has been way more than just babies that needed surrendering in this heart.

so often what i think i fear inside these clenched fists of mine isn’t really the battle..
the battle is opening my hands to begin with.
loosening my grasp of control in exchange for trust in a God that is Soveriegn and cannot make mistakes.

do i pretend to always understand why He does what He does? no.
and i certainly don’t always like it.
but i believe that only the wisest love filters all that touches my life.
and therefore, i don’t need to dread or be afraid of whatever i’m facing. whatever lies ahead.

“for you have not received the spirit of bondage that leads you into fear again ..
but you have received the spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba Father!” rom.8:15

i think all of life. ALL. is about coming to this place of intimacy with Him.

every heartache. every loss. every dream shattered. every question raised. every trial faced.
every point of surrender. every dark night. every wilderness. every red sea before us..
it is all to bring us to a point of realizing there is a story so much bigger. a home still to come. a Saviour who holds the victory. and a God we can run to called, “Abba!”

this. is what it’s about.
this is what it’s always been about.

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“what if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?”

yes.

so fill me, Lord.

27 thoughts on “{of loss. and trust. and a God we call, “Abba!”}

  1. cerwindoris

    So sorry.

    And how well I understand the challenge of keeping my hand open before God. It is a continuing process and challenge to let go and let God.

    Reply
  2. parla

    o amber :( sending a big hug your way! how precious those 4 little lives are to our amazing Abba…i pray His love and peace fill you as you grieve the loss of this little one and the three who went before.

    Reply
  3. Kelie

    Amber, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’ve been going through. I pray that you will feel loved and comforted in ways that only God can. And I pray He will give you the desires of your heart.
    Love,
    Kellie

    Reply
  4. Dana

    oh Amber..so sad to hear this news. No matter how long you know about that little life…losing it is always hard. KNOWING that God is in control is not nearly as hard as LIVING like we know that He is in control. But when life is crazy and always changing and unpredictable…it is comforting to remember that God is always constant and always has the BEST plan. Praying peace and healing for you my friend.

    Reply
  5. Clarita - Skies of Parchment

    Aww, Amber… I know how much you love little babies, how you’ve longed for another life in your family… And now this. I’ve cried for you, and for your loss. The little person you’ll never know in this life, and all the wonderings of what this one – and the three others – would have been like. The anticipation of knowing them one day, but it feeling so far away.
    May God hold you so near, in all that you are facing and feeling.
    Love.

    Reply
  6. Jenny

    My love to you Amber. My heart cries with you, as tears filled my eyes. Sweet gift waiting for you in heaven. Surrendering with you. Hugs my friend.

    Reply
  7. tessfull2

    Sad heart as I read your words of loss… of deep soul cries of Abba.. sad, but yet encouraged by tender faith wrapped in all of it, clinging to the one you know. Prayers for you my friend….

    Reply
  8. chambray7

    I am so sorry for the pain you’ve been going through! Praying for a special touch from the One who hears our heart cries and carries us through the dark times. {hugs}

    Reply
  9. Anonymous

    oh amber, so sorry for this loss and pain and ripping away a little piece of your heart…. what a glorious reunion we shall have someday as we meet our babies in heaven. prayers and love being sent your way sweet friend. singingrachel

    Reply
  10. Shanda

    So sorry Amber, I’ve been wondering about you and hoping all was well. You and your precious little babies are in the hands of a loving God, that thought is a comfort but there will always be a sadness that nothing can heal on this earth. Love and prayers as you feel better.

    Reply
  11. Anonymous

    I am so very sorry for your loss. :( I myself do not know the pain of losing babies, but I know the pain of a year and a half of trying, longing, aching….to make my mommy dreams a reality. I am thankful for the faithfulness of God, the comfort that only He can provide, and the healing that only He can bring to a broken heart.

    Reply
  12. Thelma

    Amber, I just now saw this! I”m so sorry. I know how much you want another (and what a great mom you’d be to another). Hugs.

    Reply
  13. Christine

    Oh, Amber. I am so very sorry. There really is no way to wrap up in words what it is to have a life inside and then it’s gone. I know the pain of it, and I ache that you have had this raw experience so many times. I pray for healing, and for grace. Especially for the moments when you think you’ve passed the worst of grieving, only to have something so “small” trigger it once again. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Praying for your kiddos too! I’m sure it’s hard on each of them in different ways. Lots and LOTS of love to you, sweet lady! Wish I could hug ya.

    Reply
  14. ladyofthemanse

    So sorry for your loss. I’ve missed your posting, and was wondering how you were.

    I also know the pain of loss. I often think of the family that could have been. But we do know the Lord is in control, and that He loves us more than we can imagine. I pray for his comfort for you.

    Reply
  15. Anonymous

    Oh Sweet Amber,this touches my heart to tears,yet we know our little babies will make heaven a happy place.It would not be Heaven without babies.Your four.Your Mom and Dad one, Scott and Annette twins,and Victoria ” six month old that I know of in Heaven with Jesus.Just think what fun Grandma will have with all our babies to play with when I get Home When you are 81 you know it won,t be long.What a Day That Will Be! WE love you Baby Girl forever.

    Reply
  16. linda

    I’m so sorry, Amber. SO sorry.
    You said it well– the battle is in getting those clenched fists to open. So many clenched fists for me these days.

    Reply
  17. Christy

    Oh, Amber!! I am so sorry for your loss. I know you would have loved another baby so much, and letting go must be so hard. You inspire me the way that you walk in truth and grace during the good and the bad. {{hugs}}

    Reply

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