you stood in the doorway of our room last night, a tall lanky shadow of a girl with wet hair and pj’s saying it was the last time you’d say goodnight as a fifteen year old.
it seems every day holds lasts of these days. and the years have somehow all melted into each other. still so young and vulnerable and forever my baby girl and then this young woman emerging. different from me in so many ways, but in all the very best ways to be, and yet.. a reflection of myself so clear at times, it always catches me.
my firstborn. and how so many of our firsts were together. you have taught me much more than simply becoming a mom and i often feel that i’m really the one who has grown up in these sixteen years.
i couldn’t have asked for someone better to grow up with.
it hasn’t always felt this way, has it? not even six months ago it seemed the only words passing between us were argument and pain. and i wondered if your heart would ever come back. ever be mine again. but then i saw it.. how it was never mine to begin with. it’s never supposed to be!
and i look back and see these similar journey’s we both were on, and still, of bringing our hearts to rest in the One who knows them best. loves them most. cares for them. created them!
isn’t that what it always seems to come back to – where our hearts are running to?
and no man or relationship or material gain or social clout can bring about the peace that is found in Jesus Christ. these things might offer moments of happiness but they don’t bring lasting fulfillment. the world wants us as women to believe our security can be found in how we look or what we accomplish… but it’s never in who we are, but WHOSE.
a woman that knows this- that He alone can satisfy our searching hearts, and in Him we are found – that is a powerful woman! and therein lies the truest beauty of all.. the kind of beauty no outward appearance can match!
sometimes i just stand back. watching. this discovery. this desire growing. the softness returned. and i’m humbled and convicted. it’s not anything i’ve done. it’s Him. and you finding that source and getting beyond the surface to real change from within.
and i love seeing what’s in coming out as you take all this now and reach to others from this place. you’ve always had such a sensitivity but it’s different now. deeper. that’s where real ministry happens, simply in the noticing. like the girl in your small group who needed warm clothes for fall and you took some of your own money to help her. or that kid on the bus everyone else makes fun of, choosing to sit next to them and just be a friend. or the little ones you always make time for… your sisters and others. stopping to get down on your knees to give them your full attention.
you remind me that this is what it’s all about.
this is what counts. what matters. what is eternal. people.
oh, how i’ve loved doing this life with you!
all of it.
the difficult times as well as great times.
i don’t think we’d be as close. as real with each other were it not for the struggles.
i’ve loved being your mom. but i’ve loved even more being your friend…
those times of just hanging out. laughing. going for late night runs. and jumping turnstiles in nyc! watching gilmore girls or having a heart to heart over a cup of earl grey cream. the connecting and learning and deepening, together.
and i know it won’t always be this way. not like this. in a few years you might be miles away at university. or maybe you’ll marry someone who doesn’t live close to home, like i did. but no matter what, my heart will always look back to these days. these memories. this time.. our growing up years… and i will be glad that i was able to pass some of my life with yours.
so much of me is made from what i learned from you.
and because i knew you – i’m forever changed.
happy birthday my own sweet girl.
*all these pics are from central park, from our trip to nyc for kate’s 16th.. look forward to sharing all about the trip next week on the blog. it was epic! :)