thank you all so much for all the love and kindness over the last post.
i am forever floored by this community of online people.~
i wanted to clarify since a few wrote and asked..
the reason we waited so long to tell about the miscarriage
was simply because it took a month and a half from the time i went to the clinic,
to when i had my tests, and then the doctor’s appointment for the results back.
(that’s national healthcare for ya – if you’re not near dead or dying they don’t
really get in a hurry)
only half kidding! ;)
we feel total peace about the Lord’s decision.
we know the little ones that haven’t been able to stay with us here are not lost to us..
they have only gone on before us home, and we will see them again someday in heaven.
it’s a day that grows only more dear.
but for the pain and hard of these past months
it has carried much joy as well.
which seems so often the case –
the good and bad cradling each other.
both, strangely needed in order to fully appreciate and see the depth of the other.
one of those joys was being able to, for the first time ever, become homeowners!
we bought a house, y’all!!
which i know alot already know since i shared on instagram..
it just feels really good to say.
we bought a house, y’all.
i finally feel all official and grown up or something.
guess a huge amount of debt does that to ya, huh?
but the coolest part there was no packing.
no going around to wal-mart and costco to collect brown boxes.
no u-haul or planning where to put things in a new place.
we bought the house we’d been renting here for the past two and a half years!
i could just leave it at that.
it’s pretty great right there.
but this is one of those stories that means way more if you know the back story!~
so if you’re a back story liking kind of person.. cozy down. here goes.
it was last november –
we had just gotten back from thanksgiving.
a day of 10plus hours in the van and exhaustion and emotion leaving family behind.
pulling onto our street, finally, late in the early hours of the morning.
i thought i could see something in the front yard.. but not sure.
was that our house?
or the one next door?
it looked like a sign. a.. for sale sign?
as we neared and slowed and pulled in,
any doubt was confirmed as the headlights glared the words plain and bright.
i can still remember my heart instantly catching. pounding nervously.
all the questions and what if’s? that came pouring in.
we knew our landlord was thinking of selling.
we just didn’t know it was going to be, now!
those months that followed were strange. and strained, if i’m honest.
to suddenly feel not at home in your home.
to wonder where your home was going to be six months from now. even sooner?
and it wasn’t just the house being for sale.
there were decisions shayne was making with his company..
other possibilities. opportunities. all south of the border! ;)
funny though, it was shayne who was more ready to leave than me.
and i confused even myself with what i wanted.
we talked and prayed and went round with all the options.
we included the kids in everything. especially the older ones.
talking about it at length as a family.
wanting to know their thoughts. their hearts.
every single one certainly with their own opinions.
kate wanted to stay. to finish school.
ben wanted to stay. or move somewhere with snow so he could snowboard.
it was all about the boarding for him!
emma wanted to go back to cincinnati. right next door to mamaw and papaw.
and reese said, “where you go, mommy?” she was just all about being by me.
my heart ran in all directions and it was hard to decipher.
there were too many emotions clouding everything.
and so i learned, what i’ve learned again and again, and seem to always come back to;
just to live where i am for that moment.
to find the joy and remember His faithfulness.
and so each day became that.
taking my eyes off further down the road and looking only to the next step.
bringing it to Him and laying it down.
my prayer becoming, very simply, “open and close doors, Lord. lead us in your way”
and day after day as i looked out the window and saw that for sale sign..
i found my heart catching less and less.
the fear of the unknown never completely gone, only, much quieter.
cushioned against His grace.
then, came the week of the open house.
and here i would say, i take back everything i just wrote in the above two paragraphs.
of living day by day, of trusting His faithfulness.
people began to buzz this place and i freaked!
strangers stopping and looking.
cars sitting in front of the house, pulling in the driveway.
people randomly coming to the door to ask to see inside.
and on saturday, as i cleaned, i thought of how odd it was to be “preparing” the house.
what had been OUR house for two and a half years..
for someone else to come in and like and be impressed with and want to buy!
i asked shayne to come upstairs to the bedroom.
because i didn’t want the kids to see me cry.
you know those times in life when you’re trying to be so strong for your kids?
but you feel nothing more than an abnormally tall 10-year-old yourself?
once upstairs, i told shayne, through tears, that we needed to come to a conclusion.
and it was one i felt he was going to have to make for all of us.
there was no making everyone happy. there was no truly knowing, or guarantee.
and i did one of the hardest things i’ve ever done in our married life – –
i told him i’d trust him completely with whatever answer he gave.
not that i’ve never trusted my husband.
i do. explicitly.
there’s no one in the world i have more confidence in.
but this was one of those times as a wife i could feel how heavy my influence was.
that with just the right turn or tug i could sway him. and it scared me.
that much control. and not knowing if i would control it in the right direction.
so i turned it over to him.
i wondered if i was being cowardly – yielding my right to help make the decision.
but as soon as the words came out of my mouth, i knew just how much courage it actually took.
trusting that an all-wise God can work in and through others for my benefit?
trusting God alone is one thing.
trusting Him through flawed individuals is a completely different kind of trust.
the next morning, sunday, the day of the open house,
shayne said he had prayed about it.
“i think God wants US to buy this house, babe!”
i stared at him blankly for several minutes before saying,
“and.. what’s plan b?”
being self-employed has always been the main deterrent to us owning our own home.
and if you’re self employed, you know what i’m talking about.
not to mention, real estate here in canada is double what we pay in midwest america.
so even if we were in a position to secure a mortgage,
no way we could get approved for the asking price of this house.
shayne said we should look at it like a fleece.
because yes, so much had to happen for that to ever be a reality.
a lot more than just a wet and dry side, i was thinking.
if you don’t know what i’m talking about, look up the story of Gideon in the bible.
bless him! so glad for guy’s like that that make me feel a bit more normal in my doubting.
shayne text our landlord, “we’d be interested in buying the house.”
of course i’m thinking the timing couldn’t be any worse..
hours before the open house.
where i’m pretty sure people were lined around the block like the nanny scene in mary poppins to buy it!
we went to church. out to eat. browsed stores. waiting for the time to pass.
still no word from our landlord.
when we returned later, after we were sure everyone was gone
there was a guy in his car in the driveway.
as soon as we got out, he did too.
“um.. so i understand you guys might buy this place?
and i want you to know that if you don’t, i am!”
shayne and i just looked at each other. then him, “okay..?”
later that evening our landlord came to the door.
he told us he had 3 offers that day, for the full asking price.
my heart fell. and his voice muffled in my head until,
“but, i’d rather see you guys have the place than anyone…”
my eyes shot straight to shayne’s to hear his response.
to see if i had misunderstood.
shayne told him we weren’t sure we could get approved for the loan.
he said, no problem. he would hold the mortgage.
and a few days later as we sat down to more officially go over things
he said he would like to take all the back rent and use as a down payment.
as well as lowered the price considerably than the original asking price.
{let’s just refresh here – that THREE others had been willing to pay!}
who does that kind of stuff?
God does.
the God of mama’s that fret and worry and think we’ll be living in a tent.
the God of people who need fleeces.
that need both sides. wet and dry!
the God who can strengthen a wife’s faith to trust Him through her husband.
to move a landlord’s heart to do what’s out of the ordinary.
a husband’s resolve to lead his family.
and four kids whose eyes lit up when we told them there would be no moving.
we had bought a house.
and we weren’t going anywhere.
to see the relief wash over their faces..
i hadn’t realized how much of a worry it was to them.
wondering where we would end up. what the days ahead held.
and my peace felt more solidified from their response.
i will admit that as exciting as this whole new homeowner thing is –
when i dreamed of buying a house all these years, canada wasn’t exactly the location i had imagined.
especially since it seems to make this “temporary move” even more permanent.
i felt, and still do, this strangeness of emotions of finally being settled, and yet the struggle of
contentment at where it is we have settled, after all. for now anyway.
but the thing is this.
when you’ve walked with the Lord through so much..
look back and see all He’s done. witnessed His faithfulness.
there is comfort in that.
knowing no matter what lies ahead it’s going to be okay.
the same One who walked with me then, walks with me now.
He will lead me safely home.
to my true home.
there’s no fear –
when He’s your travel companion.
